“Become a better buyer”

Been a long time benefits subscriber and have been meaning to review for a while but always forget to get around to it. The recent episode with Jaz got me so excited I can’t put it off any longer.

Dating is a pretty unique aspect of life in that we’re almost all doing it, but your knowledge is usually limited to your own personal experiences. Even when you talk about it with your friends, you’re getting some filtered or biased version of their experiences. As a result, it’s really difficult to get the exposure and reps in that you need to get better and smarter. On top of that, because of the personal nature of the subject, it’s hard to get honest, unbiased feedback on those experiences, which makes it hard to contextualize and learn from your experiences. This podcast is so valuable because you get a real, intimate look at other people’s dating experiences with commentary from two open-minded and honest people. Despite my own limited dating experiences, I’ve become a great source of dating and relationship advice for my friends and that is thanks to J&J. I have sent more recommendations for this podcast than any other podcast I listen to. They often describe their advice as helping you become a “better buyer” when it comes to dating, and I think that’s exactly what this podcast does and what makes it so great.

While the podcast could be described as having a generally heterosexual lens/framing, this comes from the fact that J&J are often talking from experience and that happens to be their experience. However, don’t let this dissuade you from listening just because you and your relationships don’t fit the heteronormative societal standard; the insights from this podcast are applicable far beyond heterosexual relationships. J&J are both very conscious of the limits of their experiences and will often remind you that their are places where their perspectives are limited. However, they approach these gaps with a humble, open, and curious mindset that is welcoming and validating and not limiting or judgmental. Furthermore, they regularly have guests of different backgrounds and lifestyles to speak on subjects outside of their wheelhouses.

The place where I found their perspectives to be most limited is when it comes to non-monogamy. While there is always something to be gained from their episodes whether you are gay, bi, straight, or anything in between, the monogomous lens that the topics are viewed through limits the kinds of advice they give and the applicability of the advice for people practicing some kind of non-monogamy. However, they are aware that non-monogamy is growing in popularity and they do acknowledge it (and as a polyamorous person nothing cracks me up more than when Jared playfully ribs the poly weirdos– we are a weird bunch 😂). Just like with all subjects that go beyond their personal experiences, they recently invited Jaz Zepatos on to talk about her ENM practices with her partner. The episode was amazing and I think Jaz was really good representation for NM people, and her descriptions of her experiences and reasons for practicing ENM really resonated with me. I do not believe ENM is for everyone, but I would argue that more people who aren’t monogomous try monogamy than people who are monogomous try non-monogamy. For people who monogamy just isn’t working for, getting the word out that there is another way and that there are other people out there that want the same things as you is life-changing. I’m so excited that it sounds like they are going to continue to explore non-monogamy in future episodes and I can’t wait for Jaz to come back on.

5/5 podcast, keep it up J&J!

Also two more random pieces of feedback for J&J:
- red flag/green flag/gold flag was clunky, I’m glad you’re back to red flag or dealbreaker. Getting three things and being forced to arbitrarily like one, hate one, and ok another leads to more awkward and less insightful conversation and feels more like the “which is least bad” of would-you-rather; talking about the pros and cons of one thing makes more sense and leads to much more interesting discussions.
- the live shows are great, but I think they would be 100% can’t-miss events if you simply named a bar or location for people to go hang out and mingle after. People who listen to this podcast are going to be on average much better daters than people who don’t, so an after party of U Up? listeners would be an amazing mixer for meeting like-minded people. I looked forward to this aspect but other than waiting in line to get in or go to the bathroom, the events themselves don’t lend themselves to much mingling. I’m sure you could experiment with partnerships with bars that would love a bunch of business on a weeknight, but even without that just naming a nearby bar for people without plans to go meet other U Up-ers would be huge. (Who knows, maybe even U Up? mixers as another event in the betches arsenal!!)

(Hi Jordana, I hope this wasn’t too long 😂)